Bellingham = rainy, grey, depressing.
England = ENGLAND!
I haven't exactly been feeling myself lately, so, rather than making my usual silly/funny post, I'm just gonna be totally serious and real for a second. I've been feeling kind of down lately, for different reasons --- and through the process of self-reflection that inevitably comes with those feelings, I've felt a lot of regrets. Just regrets about not doing things I could have/should have done in my life, and regrets about not always spending my time or energy in the right places, with the right people, or towards the right pursuits. Regrets suck. Everyone has them at times, and no one wants them --- but at least by being alive in the moment and being cognizant of both the present and the future, you can prevent them. I don't want you to ever have any regrets about England, Jamie, or the choice you made to go --- when you're older you'll look back joyfully on this time as an exciting adventure, so it's important to make the most of it in every way; you don't want to look back with regrets and a list of shouldas and couldas -- you want to say "man, that was incredible, do you remember x? And y? And z!"
I'm student teaching until June and not getting paid for it, and I'm stuck in Bellingham. Not that Bellingham is a bad place -- I like it here, but I've been here too long and I really want to move on to Portland or Seattle, something bigger and different. So lately a bunch of my friends have moved away for graduation/student teaching/etc. and I'm feeling moreso "stuck" in this town -- and the constant winter grey skies and rain don't really help :-). So don't forget how cool it is to be able to student teach abroad --- visiting London and etc., meeting new friends, planning for the Greece trip, etc. --- you'll have done so much in the short time you're there. If you were student teaching in Bellingham, it'd be the same old same old and the same deal as me --- grey skies, friends moving away, just not nearly as exciting (and surely at times scary and intimidating, but certainly moreso exciting!) as England. The people you miss will be there for you when you come home --- and besides, the people who care about you and who you miss the most (and who miss you) are the ones who are your biggest fans, so even if they miss you and you miss them they're moreso happy/proud for you and this journey of yours. This trip is totally going to make you a better person and a better teacher in the end --- even on the worst days of teaching if you feel totally out of place and intimidated and homesick, it's only going to serve to make you a stronger person. So rather than feeling intimidated or uncomfortable, just embrace any obstacles/challenges as learning experiences and opportunities for personal growth --- use this experience as an opportunity to challenge yourself, step out of your comfort zone here and there, and just make the most of your time. Don't come home with regrets!
Okay that was sad and emo :-). But I guess my point is that life after classes ends really kind of sucks, and I don't think that's something I realized until the end of fall quarter. I spent far too much time last year over-focusing on school and work and homework and not making enough time to be social and hang out with friends (including you Dan and Meg, I'm sad I was so lame and anti-social and we never hung out last year. My friends wrongly see me merely as an outgoing/funny guy who does improv and jokes around and stuff, but 9 out of 10 of them never realize how deep, introverted, super introspective, shy and socially awkward I actually am if I'm not pushed). I definitely took my friends and our cohort/classes for granted --- you don't realize how much you miss some things (or someones) until they're no longer there :-(. It was fun to go to class everyday and see cohort friends, professors, etc. and be part of that community. But now that that's ended and I'm not at WWU anymore, this feels like a weird town. Bellingham as a WWU student and Bellingham as a non-student are two very different places. And I don't know where I'm going after student teaching ends, but given the economy/jobs situation I know I'll leave Bellingham, and the idea of starting fresh is 30% exciting but 70% scary. I'm tired of people leaving my life before I get a chance to more fully know them, and I have too many regretful experiences of letting friends and potential friends slip away because I didn't realize how much they meant to me in the moment. So use England as a time to reflect and realize who your true friends are back home, but also, as a time to push your comfort zones and reach out and make meaningful connections and friendships with new people, too.
I have a lot of regrets about not balancing my life more and not necessarily spending my time wisely these last few years --- and I'd hate for you to return to America having regrets about not enjoying England to the fullest. So! Remember that England as a tourist (for a day or a week) is very different than England as a student-teacher/temporary resident. It's not just about snapping photos of popular places and buying souvenirs --- you get to live like a local, experience the small pleasures and oddities, meet interesting people, and create cool memories. So whenever things feel frustrating or overwhelming (which they will at times of course, but hopefully they'll be heavily outweighed by tons of awesome experiences!) just remember all of that. If you weren't having this experience right now, you'd visit England someday --- but it would be in such a different capacity, and it wouldn't be as meaningful as this adventure is. Washington will always be here, but the chance to live and work and play in England won't. So don't let opportunities pass you by, and make the most of every moment and every invitation and every interaction while you're there :-).
And when it comes to the day-to-day work of teaching/planning/etc. --- the stuff that might be super difficult and frustrating and time-consuming, and not at all as fun as the carefree freedom of being able to explore England --- just keep reminding yourself of the term "student teacher." You're not perfect and you're going to make mistakes and feel confused and out of place --- every new teacher does! I know you, Jamie :-). Don't be a harsh perfectionist and beat down on yourself by saying "I'm just not good enough" or "I don't belong here" or "I'm really bad at..." or "(That person) thinks I'm a terrible teacher" or anything like that. Just remember that this is the time of our lives when we are learning how to teach. It takes tons of time and experience to 'get it right' and even then it's never smooth and perfect. Don't be intimidated by other teachers/adults just because you feel like you're not doing something "right" or because your style/strengths/approach differs from theirs. Don't be intimidated because you think someone knows more about a content area than you do --- knowledge is merely a stream of random facts, and there are plenty of things you know that those people don't, books you've read that they haven't, experiences you've lived that they will never experience, etc. Just be yourself and be confident. You're you, they're them, I'm me, you know?? Just don't feel intimidated and don't blame yourself or feel inadequate, ever. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" as Eleanor Roosevelt said :-). In everything you do as a student-teacher, just keep an open mind and be open to feedback and constructive criticism --- make changes, strengthen and grow, but never ever feel like you're doing poorly or you're not good enough. Just realize and anticipate that there are going to be bad moments and bad days, and be ready to recognize and accept them as opportunities for growth! You're gonna be awesome :-).
Friday, January 15, 2010
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1 comments:
Thanks Dave for the amazing advice. Some days are rough, and some days are amazing, but I am hoping with every day to feel blessed to be here. I have realized the days I get the saddest are the days when I am left alone. We had another snow day on Wednesday, and that night I felt exactly as I had on the first couple days here. Realizing that, I need to make a promise to myself that if days like that arise, that I will make a list of things to do, or small projects to complete, even if they don't really need to be completed. I am normally fine with free time at home, but here free time is filled with sadness and wishing to be having free time in America with my friends.
I love what you said about me missing my close friends and family, and them missing me. Sadness about missing someone is such a heartfelt thing, and I am learning what missing someone really feels like. Such a weird thing, to love someone so much that when you are far away from them you are sad. I am not the best at explaining it, but I have come to realize how beautiful missing someone is. When you sincerely miss someone, it is clear that your emotions are deep and you have a connection with someone that you can't stand being without.
Looking back, I really can't believe I even signed up for this. Although I love to travel, I have never pictured traveling alone, better yet living alone. I need to be around people that know me to feel comfortable, and that is certainly not what I am getting here. But, now being here, and learning what I am learning, I am so happy for my spur-of-the-moment decision. This is teaching me to entertain myself, and to be proud of my beliefs and values. Every morning I wake up here, I cherish my loved ones back home, and respect people who can't be with their loved ones so much more. I have a strong sense that when I get back home I will be a much more independent and self-respecting individual, and I think I will have England to thank for that. In the almost 3-weeks I have been here, I have learned that I took some friendships for granted at home, that I may count on others to make me happy too much, and that I am able to make daily decisions and life choices on my own.
Dave, I hope you find peace and comfort knowing that your student teaching will be a great success, and that you are on your way to a bright future in an awesome city. I can 100% see you living in Portland or Seattle, and I cannot wait to visit you there and see your great life. :)
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